Well shit. I've got diabetes.

True story. No bit zone. At the ripe age of 32, I've been diagnosed with type two diabetes.  Now let's back track...

 It started back around my birthday on October 22. I noticed that I was peeing a lot more than normal.. How often? About every hour and a half... Trust me, you notice when you start feeling like you have to pee all the time.. I also noticed I was so damn thirsty that all I wanted to do was drink gallons of water for hours!  Seriously, it was a really weird annoying as hell, feeling..Now these two things, didn't make me think that I had diabetes+... but then I also noticed that I had lost a little weight... So I did a little bit of an experiment. I ate like complete shit for about a week. And I lost 4 lbs. These were all red flags but I was still in a bit of denial and hoped it was all a fluke. I mean, I felt fine. Other than those three symptoms, I would say I felt healthy and normal.

Fast forward 6 weeks.

I was now down 20 lbs without any dieting and I was still peeing. A. LOT. I couldn't ignore it anymore so I searched for my blood sugar testing stuff from when I had gestational diabetes. With a simple prick of the finger, I confirmed my fear. My numbers should have been under 90. Guess what it was? 304. Shit. I've got diabetes.

I cried. I felt too young for this crap. I knew I had to go to the doctor asap.
I went to the doctor the week after thanksgiving where I was given the medical professional confirmation of the diagnosis I already knew.
I went home that night and saw a pizza menu in the trash and I cried again.  

You are probably wandering how in the hell this happened? Well, the simple answer is pregnancy and fucking genetics. Ain't that a bitch?

Now I'm on medication to get my blood sugar down and I've taken on a low carb diet. I'll go back in three months to see if my pill cocktail needs to be changed. 


Now the initial shock is completely over and I'm okay with how I need to eat and taking my pills. I'm not sad anymore and I'm dealing with it everyday. Right now, I don't miss all my bad favorite foods that I used to enjoy regularly.. Well, hell, who I am I kidding? Of course I do but it's getting better :) I DO miss you deep dish pizza and brownies! 

So that's all I have for you today. Next update will be a recap of the twins bday. Hopefully, sometime this week.  Now go on to your Christmas parties tonight and eat millions of fucking Christmas cookies and think about me while you do it!

My little angel is a little devil

First I need to show you this. My sweet little Jenna has 7 teeth. However, she is currently missing one of her big front teeth. I don't give a shit that it hasn't come in yet, I mean, it will eventually. But there is no sign of the tooth whatsoever...For now, its pretty funny.  I kinda like my little hillbilly baby!

 Now a little background on my twins that I don't think I've ever put out there. Besides the fact, they are a boy and a girl, they are very different.  We have always JOKINGLY referred to Jack as the "bad one"... Because well, sometimes he's fucking tough to deal with. He cries a little more than her, yells a little more than her, shits a little more than her, sleeps a little less than her etc... You get the drift. Jenna has always been a very chill baby who is hardly high maintenance so she's always been deemed "the good one'...

Now that you know those little tidbits, I noticed a few weeks ago that occasionally when I am not giving my full attention to the twins that Jack will sometimes let out random screams when they are playing toether. I'll check on them and everything will be fine so I don't ever really worry about it. Well, a few weeks ago Jack let out a scream and when i looked up I noticed that my sweet little Jenna was BITING the shit out of Jack's back. I went to grab him and I noticed this on his arm....Look familar? 

awe hell. 

then after a little more investigation, I found another bite mark on his back. 

so it turns out my little sweet Jenna is actually a damn vampire. Fortunately, there has been no blood drawn or I would be really freaking out...

How do I even address this? The chances of me being able to get an 11 month old to stop using her brother as a teething ring is as likely as her to start pouring me a glass of wine during happy hour..Not going to happen. Guess I will have to start watching my little she-vampire and he-devil like damn hawks.

This shit never ceases to amaze me... now someone pour me some wine...




 
 

My kid is weird.

Sorry it's been a while.. I haven't ruined any more of my mothers shit lately so I've been a little low on content. But here's what I've got so far.

One major update! For those of you who don't follow my Facebook, the rat tail has been cut! We won the big battle and I have all of you to thank! The officer gave us the okay to cut the rat tail a few weeks ago... Her hair so looks much better! We even slapped a little pink bow around it the baby book... 

 I've also started putting her hair in a little pony tail and guys it's cute as hell... 

Now... my other thoughts! Toddlers are weird. Maybe it's just my toddler but he's sooo freaking weird. I've told you before that he has a fascination with lights. Well, that still stands and it's worse. He also is obsessed with fans... Ceiling fans, box fans, small oscillating fans etc... He likes to play with them. This kid has more damn toys than Toys R Us and yet he chooses to play with random fans and lights.  He moves them from room to room, has me turn them on wherever we go.. It's so fucking weird! He does the same thing with lamps... See pic...

 He takes all my lamps and fans moves them all into my living room. Then turns them on and is so damn proud of himself... Strange shit right? 

But what the hell am I supposed to do? He likes what he likes, I guess...right?  What weird shit do your kids do?

I'm also a damn mastermind pro at taking three little ones out to a restaurant. I can take all three kids out to eat with my mom with little to no problems.(I go out with her mostly when the officer is sleeping) Since we go out a lot, I've got it down to a damn science... It wasn't always like that. I used to not be able to fucking breathe the entire time I was at a restaurant because I would be so stressed out that a baby would SCREAM or they would throw all the food on the floor. For a while, I was that asshole mom who let their toddler play with the creamer, salt shakers, and utensils to keep them happy. That shit can make a real mess!! And the toddler would still whine and bitch until the food would get there, thus, make me want to say, fuck it, let's just leave. We never would leave, I would just make it through ask myself "why the hell do I put myself through all this misery?!? oh yeah, its because I'm hungry as hell and don't feel like cooking a damn thing."  I finally realized that this also made me a real asshole parent that most waitresses despised... 
So I invested in a few sticker books and one of those Cracker Barrel golf tee games..Guys, this creates hours of fun for a two year old! (or at least until our food gets there) Voila! I've no longer a dickhead that servers and surrounding patrons want to punch. I win!

We also pick places that we know for a fact won't be crowded and there's a little room for the toddler can run around and not get completely pissed off sitting there.

I should add in that the twins are still in infant car seats, I usually don't put them in high chairs because that would add an extra level of bullshit stress that I'm not ready to deal with yet. In time, kids.

Keep em locked in as long as possible!!

The three places we continually go are Greyhound Tavern on Saturday mornings, Barleycorn's for lunch and Colonial Cottage for weekday breakfast. I highly rec all of them if you want a kid friendly place where even if your kid is an asshole, they don't mind very much. Care to add any places? Lemme know!

My daughter has a rat tail and my husband won't let me cut it.

All my kids were born with a shit ton of hair. Its adorable, but after a while some it falls out.  JB lost all his hair on the sides. Jack lost it in random spots and you really never could tell. 

That leaves me with Jenna's current hair loss struggle....

My 9 month old sweet baby girl has a rat tail. A real white trash fugly rat tail. 

see exhibit A, B, C,:

Now while it is somewhat hilarious that she has random long hair in the back, it is time for it to go. HOWEVER, the officer thinks its so funny and cute....he refuses to let me cut it. Who is on his side? My mom. Who is on my side? My sisters. 

Now if he really won't let me cut it, (guys, he is completely serious about this shit) What the hell am I suppose to do with this son of bitch???

Attempt to braid it? 

 Attempt a side pony tail?

Slap a damn bow in it??

NO NO NO NO.

I just want to cut it! 

sigh...but I'm not allowed and its still there...poor thing. 

So who is right and who is wrong?? Cut or not to cut???
 
 

Sorry mom we really screwed up your house....

So this happened today. 

Long story short, I had to spend the day at my mom's house with all my kids bc my car was getting some work done and it was easier for me to get there from the dealership. 

I must start off my saying that my moms house is hardly child proof but no biggie... we think it won't be an issue...but guess what?

we.were.wrong.

Everything started out fine. We played with some toys and fed the fish in the pond next to my mom's condo. In fact, in the first like 3 hours, the toddler only broke like two candles. Not bad, right??? I thought we were smooooth sailing. 

Then 2pm hit and shit hit the fan. My mom left to go get her hair done and I was there by myself. She wasn't even gone two minutes and while I'm changing Jack, JB tips over a vase and breaks it into a million pieces. I start yelling at JB to not touch anything and what does he do? Step on a damn piece of broken glass. Next thing I know he's screaming and there is blood all over floor. So I take Jack and put him back on the floor with Jenna and grab JB. I basically throw him in the sink to wash his foot. 

I am washing the blood off his foot and he is pulling all of the paper towels off the roll faster than I can say "STOP!!" Finally I get his foot to stop bleeding, paper towels "rerolled", and let him down while I clean up all the broken glass. As soon as I finish cleaning up that freaking mess, I find JB jumping on my mothers couch in her little TV room. Guess what? His foot was STILL bleeding and now there is blood dots all over her fucking couch and chair. 

see little red dots on chair? that's blood

So I get him off the couch and go grab some carpet cleaner and Dawn and start scrubbing..BUT then I realize I didn't grab the carpet cleaner...I used bleach cleaner..NOOOOO!!!DAMMIT!SHIT!

this is the couch that i ruined.

I start to really panic and tears start streaming down my face, I then hear..."thud,boink". I look over and Jack has crawled over to the steps that go down to my moms basement and damn near slid face first down the steps. 

picture a crying baby halfway down these steps.

GAHHH I AM GOING TO KILL MY KIDS AND NOT ON PURPOSE! 

This all happened in a matter of literally 7 minutes. 


I go and grab scared, crying, Jack and get him to calm down. I look back at the couch and its seriously fucked. (see above picture) So I do the only thing I can think to do at this point. Turn the cushions over. GOOD AS NEW NOW BITCHES! 

Time to turn on the cartoons and wait for grandma to get home. 

Grandma gets home and I explain it all to her. Luckily, she completely understands and is totally okay we just turned the cushions over. She also was able to clean the other chair that had blood dots and it now looks fine too.

BUT she said we weren't allowed back until the kids were 10. 

oopsies. 

Then, we sat in stupid traffic the whole way home.  

tomorrow will be better.maybe?

I'm done parenting at 7pm.

 Or at least I wish I was.

Just like any other job I've ever had, there's a point in the day when I am just done, finished, over it.. Being a stay at home mom is no different. That time hits me almost every day at 7pm. T-minus one hour until bedtime.. Do I get to quit working at 7pm!?! Shit no. AND usually from 6-7pm, all of my babies drive me up a damn wall. That's when they are a fucking shit show and I become a hot damn mess...for whatever reason that hour is when everyone is hungry, angry, whiny and bitchy. This is not fun people. This is when I lose my shit and think, WHY CANT YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! If I thought I could get away with putting my kids all to bed at 7pm, you better believe me that I would totally do it.  I keep them up til 8pm and then BAM, bed time for all! Good fucking night, kiddos! Mama needs a drink. *sigh*

Or maybe the toddler needs a drink..

Before I get to that part of my glorious night, I have to deal with the shit show...
So instead, I take a deep breath and start feeding the troops. The toddler, the officer, and now the twins. Yup that's right, the twins are now eating half ass people food. You know, that purée shit. I had forgot how messy babies can be. Purée everywhere..hair, ears, up their noses. It's a real bitch but somehow I get through it. 

Full stomachs equal sleepy babies. Sleepy babies equal soon to be quiet time.  Quiet time is what I look forward to every night. Quiet time also sometimes means mama drinks a beer.

So back to the purée shit for a minute. I did something this time around that I never thought I would do. I tried making my own baby food. If you would have asked me a couple of years ago if I would be making my own baby food, I would have probably laughed in your face with a big old "heeellll no". Actually, the thought of making my own food, kinda scared the shit out of me. I don't know but it sounded overwhelming as hell!

I learned that Its really not. 

Let me also say that if you are a mom who chooses to feed your child baby food from the store, you are 100% A-okay in my book! You are not lazy, you are not doing anything wrong. Do I do it because I want to be healthy? Fuck no. Do I do it because I have a lot of extra time? Fuck no. Did I want to win the infamous "mommy of the year award"? Fuck no. Do I do it because it's actually a lot cheaper than buying the store made shit and I am feeding two little snot rockets? Yup!!

I checked out pinterest where everything is butterflies and bullshit rainbows to see how the mommy's of the internet make their baby food. I pinned a couple of easy recipes and gave it a go. Honestly, its pretty easy to do but its real messy which those bitches on the internet obviously don't talk about..SO MANY FUCKING DISHES...

more fucking dishes to deal with...

broken ass ice cube trays...

My other concern was, would my little shits eat the food I made? Guess what? They did! My time and energy was not wasted! WOOO HOOO 


That being said, what will I do now? I decided I'll do a mix of the store bought shit and make some of my own shit. It's just easier that way and also still slightly cheaper..It's pretty much the best of both worlds and I don't really prefer one way over the other.

Do you get spit on at your job?

One week ago Cincinnati police officer Sonny Kim lost his life in the line of duty. While I did not know him or his family, I cried like a fucking baby when I found out he died. Mostly because what happened to him, is my worst nightmare. That's right, I married a cop..the ole 5-0, the pig himself. I signed up to be a police officers wife but I had ZERO idea of what it would entail.

Most of my officer's stories are hilarious. They make for excellent conversation pieces at dinners, weddings, or at any party. In fact, he's even thought of writing a book of all of the ridiculous and incredible stories on the runs he has been sent on.We will see about that. Don't forget that I can also take adorable pictures. 

But then there's the shitty stuff. The real shitty stuff. 

For instance, once he saw a man take his own life by shooting himself in head. He watched his brain matter fly all over the street. Once he was bitten by a stray vicious dog that literally tried to eat his arm.  He had to shoot it. He loves dogs. This broke his heart. 

Overall, he's been kicked, punched and spit on..a lot. Do you get punched or spit on at your job? That's never happened to me in any job I've ever had. In fact, if that happened to me, I would have probably quit..

He goes into disgusting nasty ass houses on a daily basis. I know when he comes home and opens the garage door that he needs to strip down and wash his uniform ASAP bc he went through a bed bug ridden home. We sure as hell don't want bed bugs at our house. He went into a home recently where the dogs that the homeowners had were never let outside and the smell of dog shit and piss was so overwhelming, he almost threw up.

When he hears gun fire, he has to run toward it. He's had people put guns in his face.

He works most weekends and almost all holidays. 10 hour shifts, all through the night that sometimes don't end because after his shift, he has to then go to the courthouse for his cases.

 Guys, this is real life. This is our lives.

And after all the shit he puts up with every day. He goes back to work on a day to day basis. He loves it. It is his calling. Probably like most of the other law enforcement officers out there. 

 That's why it fucking sucks that he had to watch one of his brothers be laid to rest today. I was there too. It was the most beautiful yet tragic thing I've ever witnessed. My eyes streamed with tears from time I heard the first note from the bagpipes to the very end. 

The burial was exceptionally hard when they did his last call over the radio. Watching my husbands eyes well up with tears is something I will never forget, and I hope I never have to see again. While the casket was brought up to the burial site, the heavens opened up and it poured...I can't even remotely tell you how hard it was raining...Not one officer moved. 
They stood at attention and listened to the last goodbyes to Officer Kim. It was almost like God was helping mask the tears coming down their faces.

What I witnessed today was almost indescribable. There were really high points and really low points. The law enforcement family is nothing short of amazing. I saw officers from New York City, all over Ohio, Kentucky and even Pittsburgh. Cincinnati and Pittsburgh "hate" each other..But today they didn't.  

What amazed me though is to see how many don't hate law enforcement... How many people just came to pay their respects and show the officers and the family how much they really do respect the badge.

I hope this is my last police funeral I attend, but I'm glad I got to witness it and I am glad to be a part of the Cincinnati Police Department. Even if it's just as a police wife.

Rest Peacefully, Officer Kim

Confessions of a Toddler Soccer Dropout

As parents we do activities and go to events because we think "the kids will have so much fun!" But in actuality, they bitch and moan and want no part of it. For instance, I signed JB up for soccer. It's not real soccer, but they practice with a ball and play little kid games.When I signed him up, he was about to turn 2 and I thought he would love it. I must tell you that there are not many soccer programs for toddlers. Maybe two in the area. There is definitely a reason for that... BECAUSE 2 YEAR OLDS ARE TOOOO YOUNG FOR THAT SHIT!!!

The officer and I go to our first day of soccer and it was not fucking fun at all. First off, he was going through this " I just want my mommy" stage so when the officer took him out onto the field with the other kids, he just ran back to where I was and whined...So..okay fine, I go in.  Mind you though, I did not dress properly to be playing fucking toddler soccer.

Well, I learned very quickly that he didn't give a shit about what game we were playing. Some of them he loved, and some of them he just screamed through, or ran to the other side of the field. It was so.damn.exhausting. and chaotic. I felt completely like my kid was only one who wasn't doing what he was suppose to be doing. I look over at the officer and he was dealing with the twins who were screaming. I yell over to him to just take the twins out to the van and try and feed them/change diapers. Guys, this was the longest 47 minutes ever. During the games, I just wanted it to be over. Finally, FINALLY, it was done. 

I get out to the van and immediately, I'm thinking, "Ahhh, it wasn't that bad...We can do this for 11 more weeks." The officer however, thought it was terrible and decided that he probably wouldn't be returning. shit. 

Now in the officer's defense, he works overnights fighting crime. Soccer was 11am on Saturdays and it was hard to get up for. Soo in the next few weeks, I recruit my mother to go with me because I needed someone to watch the twins on the sidelines while I dealt with the soccer bullshit happening on the field.  After a few weeks, of skipping soccer because she couldn't go or driving the 30 minutes up to soccer..(oh yeah, did i mention it was 30 minutes away?) I decided I didn't give a damn anymore. I was done. So I quit going. My sanity was worth more than the $136 it cost. He clearly didn't love the games we were playing. He wanted to run the field.Hell, we could that in our back yard or at the park down the street. Fuck it. Nope. I'm done. Maybe I am dick/jerk/asshole for quitting..I can handle it..We will try again when he gets older. 


BUT we got a t-shirt. Here are some pics of his $136 t-shirt...and you can tell how happy he was to go to soccer...

He can wear this damn t-shirt everyday for the rest of his life... Sorry kid.

9 hours in car with a toddler, twins and a grandma

A couple of weeks ago, my crew, minus the officer, took a trip to visit my sister, bro in law and 2 kids... who had their first communion. They live about 9 hours away right outside of Baltimore in the burbs. Obviously, with three little ones, travel would be a pain the ass regardless of what transportation we chose, but going to an airport with that many kids when the adult to child ratio are not in my favor, the only option was to drive... So we packed up the minivan and away we went!
 
I have learned that I am a very optimistic person. I thought that driving would be super easy and the twins would sleep the whole time. Turns out, grandma (my mother) slept more in the car than any of my kids...go fucking figure. 

On the way there, we stopped at a Cracker Barrel to stretch our legs, eat and feed babies....You can't even imagine how ridiculous we looked with a slightly pissed off toddler who wanted to run and 2 more car seats carrying 2 hungry pissed off 4 month olds. JB flipped his shit and we almost had to get our food to go... but luckily, we were able to occupy him enough with that damn little golf tee game so we could eat (quickly) and get the fuck out of dodge before any major meltdowns occurred... We made it there in about 9 hours with the twins only getting a little bitchy at the end of ride. JB was super easy... He watched tv and ate fruit snacks nearly the entire drive.

Anyway, we had a blast on our trip! There were multiple times on my trip where I didn't have to hold ANY babies.That's what I call a vacation!! Maybe that makes me sound like a shitty mom, but, guys, I hold babies all.the.fucking.time. so it was a nice break to have other people hold them and enjoy it! 

my sister holding the twins :) 

Here is my niece and nephew at their first communion!

Jack also got his first tooth while we were there which makes sense because lately he has been so damn needy. NO ONE TOLD ME 4 MONTH OLDS GET TEETH!!  TEETHING IS A BITCH! 

Now the drive home was another story. It started off great. There was even stint when we didnt stop for three hours. I was going to kick this drives ass. I was winning. And then...ooohhhh then hit the last two hours of the trip. twins start crying. no problem, pull over to nearest gas station, give bottles and change diapers..back on the road..no lie, we aren't even on the highway yet and crying starts again. Ignore it, they will stop..(I say in my brain) 20 minutes later, still crying....fuck. okay pull over again...attempt bottles, change diapers. back on the road. more crying.shhhhhhhiiiitttttt nnnooooooo. 

You can rinse and repeat this scenario for the last two hours of the trip. Every time we stopped, it added 15 damn minutes onto the drive. Long story short, the "drive" whose ass I was thoroughly kicking, came back and beat the shit out of me. Two hours of crying babies?!? my version of hell. then of course we get home and they look like this...

 SOMETIMES BABIES ARE DICKS. 

BUT DAMN THEY ARE CUTE. Happy Friday!

"Whoa! You have your hands full!" uhhh, no shit.

It has taken me a damn long time to write this blog post. I should give you this long ass paragraph about how fucking busy I am, blah blah blah, but honestly, what does it boil down too? I'm fucking tired yo! But here it is... And thanks a million to all those who follow me and read my stories! It amazes me how much people reach out and say they enjoy reading! I appreciate it more than you will ever know.... I really will try to write more often! I'm considering making my blog a Facebook page and opening up to strangers to read...Should I? Thoughts? Can the common stranger handle my foul mouth? 

Now onto other things-

Let me tell you...when you walk into anywhere toting twins, it's a damn spectacle. People stop, get up from their seats, and practically piss themselves. Then they go on and on about I must have my hands full... And you know what I say to them? "No shit." Not really bc I'm nicer than that to strangers but that's totally what I am thinking.. No shit my hands are full but dammit I'm getting out of my house!

I've mastered taking the twins out. In fact, I confidently took them to the zoo last Thursday with my friend Tasha. We had an excellent easy time with her son Lincoln strolling through the zoo, even drinking a delicious cold beer looking at animals. Minimal crying. It appears we dominated the zoo. Good times were had by all.

I thought, holy shit, I can totally do this with all three! It will be butterflies and rainbows. So this past Monday, I decided to take all three kiddos to the zoo with my friend Carrie and her two kids too. So I throw all these little shits on my monstrosity of a tripleish stroller and start trotting through the zoo.... How long did I make it? 40 minutes. How many of these minutes were enjoyable? 4..maybe. It was a damned shit show. Crying, screaming whining... Everything a mom loves to hear.. So I said..fuck this, I'm leaving... And I have never been so fucking happy to get home... My apologies to my good friend Carrie for leaving you so soon :) sorry no pics of said shit show. I just wanted to get the hell out of there...I can show you how I was feeling afterwords--

No happy babies, not a happy mama

Then we got over it and now we are all friends!

Also,I must show you this... JB has taken a liking to the baby swing... uh dude, you are way to big for that shit... but he doesn't give a damn.

And here is a few more random pics...

He also really likes his little sister. Its truly fucking adorable...

Finally, here is a another angle from Jenna using Jack as a foot stool... cracks my shit up...

Happy Monday!